So that was it.
What did it matter? Lou walked through the streets going nowhere. What did it matter that he was soaked through? He walked fast at first, propelled by anger and loathing, then slowed under the weight of misery and despair. What did it matter that he had no place to be and nothing to do and no way to do it? When he tired of slogging along sidewalks and through muddy alleys he found his way back to the step van. What did it matter that his bones shivered and his empty belly groaned? He sat up on the edge of the loading dock and tilted his head back. The rain fell upon him, joining the full drops already streaming down his face. What did anything matter? Lou pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes and pushed against the throbbing pain. If only he could stay in that darkness.
“Weed?”
Lou lifted his hands from his eyes. It took a few seconds for the sparkles of light to dissipate and his vision to clear. Standing on the ground before him was a familiar, red-haired man.
The dealer checked left and right, then looked back at Lou for an answer.
“Oh. Sorry, man.” Lou shook his head, even as he welcomed the idea. “I’m flat broke.”
“Bummer.” The dealer nodded with understanding. He peered closer at Lou. “You all right, man?”
“Uh, no. Not really.”
“Yeah. I can see that. You look as down and out as I’ve seen anyone in a long time, man.” The dealer looked around again, then came close to Lou. He reached under his purple cape, then put something into Lou’s palm and closed his fingers around it. “On the house, brother. Buzz me when things turn around.” The dealer walked away, his long bell bottoms swishing through the parking lot.
Lou opened his hand to find the fattest joint he’d seen in ages. He immediately closed his fist to protect the delicate rolling paper from the rain. Well, small blessing that this was, Lou welcomed it as the best thing to happen that day. In fact, the only thing that wasn’t outright horrible.
Back in his step van, Lou turned on his little electric heater and his one small lamp. He held the reefer under his nose and inhaled deeply. Hello, old friend. Welcome back. Lou removed his soaking wet coat while he admired the joint. He kicked off his sopping shoes. Such a lovely aroma. He stripped off his shirt and pants, letting them drop to the floor. Fine handywork. He peeled the underwear and socks clinging to his skin. Admirable heft. Easily enough for two, even three friends to share. But, as he was by himself, the question remained. Should he parse the anticipated high over several days, or enjoy it intermittently over the coming hours, or indulge in an immediate all-out zonking? Option three was most enticing. He wanted the full escape. The relief from his headache. The chance to forget. Destressification. That was his word.
Lou got out a bath towel to dry his hair and body. He stood in front of the heater and turned like a rotisserie chicken. As he warmed up, Lou made a simple plan. One, get wasted. Two, concurrent with step one, gather up whatever easy food he had around. Granola, bananas, bread, peanut butter. That would have to do. Three, crash. That was a given. He was exhausted. What else did he need? Nothing came to mind.
Lou got out his Zippo lighter, sat down, and held the joint to his lips.
A soft tapping sounded from the front door.
Lou froze. Did he imagine it? Was it really on the door, or just close by?
Tap tap tap. On the door.
If he did nothing. Stayed quiet. They might go away.
Tap tap tap. “Lou? I see your light on.”
Shit. Busted by the lamp. He put the joint under his pillow, wrapped the bath towel around his waist, and went to the front door.
“Hi.”
“Anne. Hi.” She looked absolutely miserable. Soaked and bedraggled. He understood completely.
“I’m sorry, Lou. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’ve been walking around in the rain all day trying to figure things out, but I’m so upset with Philip and I hate what’s happening and now it feels like it’s all over and there’s nothing left I can do and all I could think was to be with you and—” Anne choked on her words and covered her face as the tears came out.
“I know. I know.” Lou reached down and took her hand, helping her up the steps. “I know.”
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t know where else to go.”
“It’s okay. Let’s dry you off. Your hands are cold. Come close to the heater.” Lou led her in and kicked his own clothes out of the way. He helped her out of her wet coat, then found a clean towel for her. “Here. Dry off.”
“I’m sorry, Lou.”
“No need to be. It’s been a really hard day.” He noticed his Zippo on the bed. “I think I have something that can help.”
The rainstorm had passed sometime during the night, although occasional thunder could be heard from the step van.
Lou raised his eyelids to a slit. He tried to lick his dry lips awake, but his tongue was just as parched. Only his cheek felt damp, a result of the drool that had seeped onto his pillow case. He rolled onto his back and placed a hand on the mattress beside him. No one was there. Lou’s hazy mind edged awake. Was his memory that of a dream?
“Good morning.”
Lou put his effort into opening one eye as he squeezed the other shut. He lifted his head and managed a hoarse grunt.
Anne was pulling on her clothes from the day before. “I guess thanks for last night. I really didn’t know what to do. I was just…you know.”
Lou elbowed his way up. He blinked and wiped gunk from his eyes, then spoke with a rasp. “What time is it?”
“It’s getting late. I have to get to work.”
He cleared his throat. “Okay.”
Anne sat on the edge of Lou’s bed to put on a sock. “So, I’ve been thinking. I do feel close to you, Lou. But not like this.” She picked up the other sock and turned it right-side out. “I think we both know this was a mistake. We’re not the ones who should be together.”
“No, I don’t know that. Not after one night. Why do you say that?”
Anne stood up and worked her feet into her shoes. “Lou, do you love me?”
“Well, I like you, Anne. I really do.”
“Yeah, I like you, too. But that’s not what I asked.”
Lou ran his hand back through his hair for a moment of thought. “We can take a chance. Let’s give it more time. You and me.”
She sat down again and tied the laces of her shoes. “There is no you and me. I think I needed this last night. I think you did, too. I’ve been lying awake thinking about it for hours. What we did was wrong. Anyway, it was wrong for me. I hope I can make it right somehow.”
“But this could be right. Let’s find out. We don’t have anyone else now. We get to start over.”
“This isn’t what either of us wants.”
“It might be, though. We should give it a shot. Otherwise, how do you even know what you want?”
Anne got up and put on her coat. “I wasn’t sure before. I don’t know why. But now it’s perfectly clear. I guess I can thank you for that. I know exactly what I want.” She leaned over and kissed Lou on the cheek. “Ooh, salty. You need a shower.”
Lou gripped her sleeve to hold her back. “But I don’t know. I thought I did, but…I don’t know.”
“Oh, Lou. You should figure out what you want. Or you won't know when you have it.” Anne put her hand on Lou’s and gently released his grip. She turned away to leave.
“Anne?” He meant to say something, to keep her there a little longer. But, no, she was right. There was nothing more to it. “You should take a banana.”
Anne left Lou with a smile and a few parting words. “We ate them all last night.”