Lou looked through the rain to the door at the end of the footpath. He was cold, wet, hungry, stressed, confused, and dogged by the pounding in his head. This was an awful time, recklessly bad, for him to do anything stupid. If only a memory would speak up, some friendly advice to give Lou pause. Where were the voices of Billy and Malcolm, Jennie, Tomoko and Nobody, any of his friends from ADA and Cascadia Market? No, he was on his own.
The worst of Lou went up to the front of the house, ascended the two brick steps, and rang the doorbell. He stood there for several seconds, hunched against the wind. He heard footsteps approach, and watched the doorknob turn. The door opened. Jax appeared in her bathrobe.
“Louie! Oh, my god!” Jax put a hand to her chest. She glanced over her shoulder quickly, then back at Lou. “This is such a surprise. It’s so early. What are you doing here?”
Lou remembered his first sight of Jax. It seemed an age ago, that warm, bright day in June, the bright colors of the grass and the sky. Life was good then, relaxed and easy. He was stoned then, right? And wasn’t there something about a pink bunny?
This time was different. The cold rain and gray sky deadened his senses. The confusion and stress he carried, the pain in his head, made him tight, uneasy. Jax wore no lipstick, her hair was pulled back, her bathrobe thick against the October chill. Even so, the sight of her once again pulled at Lou’s heart.
“I want to talk to you. I know it’s early. I just really need to talk to you.”
“Now, Louie? Can we talk later? I tried calling, but your number was disconnected.”
“I know. Yeah. That’s one reason I came over.” Lou shivered. Rain dripped from his hat.
“You’re soaking wet.” Jax waited and bit her lower lip. She held the door only partway open. She seemed hesitant to Lou.
“Can I come in?”
Jax placed her fingers over her mouth and looked away.
Lou watched, unable to understand her reluctance. He wanted so much to reach out and hold Jax. What was she thinking?
“Jax?”
She met Lou’s eyes with her own uncertain look. “Promise you won’t be mad at me.” Jax backed up slowly, widening the door. “Please don’t be mad, Louie.”
Lou stepped inside, took off his hat, and rubbed his aching temple. He didn’t say anything, but kept his puzzled eyes on Jax as she closed the door. Why would he be mad at her? Disappointed, yes, even irritated that they hadn’t talked in so long. That wasn’t all her fault. He had become hard to reach. Why should he be mad?
Jax was quiet. She held one finger between her teeth. Lou had seen this gesture of hers before, when she wasn’t sure what to say or what was going to happen.
“What’s going on, Jax?”
She shifted her gaze away from Lou and looked across the room.
Lou turned around.
Another man sat at the dining table.
Lou stiffened. He stared at the guy, so relaxed, sitting there in his T-shirt and bare feet, sipping on his coffee or tea or whatever is that a croissant and his thick, dark hair, unshaved face, acting all nonchalant watching listening to none of his business why is he here this goddamn splitting headache
“Who the hell is this?” Lou spat it out.
“Please, Louie.”
“Who is this guy? What’s going on? Why is he here?” As if this rush of questions were needed for the obvious answers.
“I hadn’t heard from you. You didn’t call.”
“I tried,” Lou shouted. “Before I lost everything. Before I got kicked out. I tried.”
“You stopped coming over. I didn’t see you anymore.” Her voice was subdued, giving way to Lou’s anger.
“Yeah. Same with you.” Lou began pacing, striding around the room. “For good reason. ‘Cause every time it’s like coming to a…a fucking madhouse,” he yelled.
“Don’t say that, Louie. Don’t.”
“Right, what you always say.” His anger had its way. “I make some comment, or ask some question. And it’s ‘Don’t say that, Louie.’ Or ‘I don’t want to talk about it, Louie.’” He whined it out, mocking Jax. “What about this guy?” Lou scowled at the dark-haired stranger.
The man looked back, wide-eyed, keeping his mouth shut.
“Do you tell him the same thing. ‘Be nice. No questions allowed.’ Or does he get to do what he wants with you? He seems to have settled right in.” He glared at Jax. “You didn’t wait long, did you? We don’t talk for a few days, and bam! There’s someone else.”
“You didn’t come over anymore, Louie. What was I supposed to do?” Jax was immobile. There was no place to go.
A crash sounded from upstairs, louder than Lou’s yelling. All three of them turned to the stairway.
A woman screamed from upstairs. “I can’t do this anymore.” A door slammed. Anne appeared at the top of the stairway. She turned back and cried, “You have to decide. For once, just decide!”
Lou shouted again at Jax. “You were supposed to be with me! I’m the one who was always there for you. I came when you needed me. I did what you asked. Who else would’ve let you dump fucking beer all over him while you went crazy at Wally’s?”
Philip came downstairs chasing Anne. “You knew I had to do this!” he yelled. “You knew it. This was no surprise!”
Jax tried to answer through the din. “You never said anything, Louie. You never told me how you feel.”
Anne crossed between Lou and Jax and the stranger, wailing “Why did you even move in? If your rocks are more important to you? Than go! Just go!”
“How I feel? How don’t I feel!” Lou erupted inside with an amalgam of emotions. “When I’m with you, I feel everything I want and everything I don’t want!” He clenched his hat and shook it in exasperation.
Jax stared blankly as her eyes welled up. “Imagine feeling like that every minute of every day.” She seemed to be talking to herself.
Philip stomped around, flinging his hands about like an inept albatross. “That’s right, just walk out. That’s what you do!”
“I should have walked out sooner!” shrieked Anne as she circled the others.
Lou and Philip strode around the living room, suddenly coming chest-to-chest. They stopped, turned on their heels, and continued their tirades. The man at the table appeared bewildered, mouth agape at the drama before him.
“So you just forget me and sleep with some random guy?” Lou glowered at the man.
“He’s not a random guy.” Jax let the tears flow down her cheeks and onto her neck.
Philip shouted, “So leave! I don’t care. Don’t come back. I’ll be gone, anyway!”
Anne fumed with anger. She snatched her coat from a hat rack and bolted out, leaving the door wide open.
“So then what? Am I the random guy?” Lou went right up to Jax, raising his voice. “Is that all I am. Do you even care?”
Jax whispered to the air between them. “I do care. I love you.”
Philip loped back upstairs, three steps at a time.
“Bullshit!” snarled Lou. “I don’t believe you. Whatever this is, it’s not love.” He crammed his sodden hat onto his head. “Enough of this crap. I’m done.”
Lou fled through the open door, jammed his hands deep into his pockets, and sought solace in the calmness of the storm outside.